This Water Bottle Will Outlive Us All

The Camelbak Podium Ti during the inevitable heat death of the universe.

How much are you willing to spend on a water bottle? If you’re stingy, you might rely on the free bottles found in event swag bags. But what if you have more refined tastes? What if you want the most over-the-top bottle ever made? Well, let me introduce you to the Camelbak Podium Titanium 1.0 water bottle.   

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Seriously, who is going to buy this thing? When I saw the retail price ($100), I nearly spat out my coffee. What does it do better than a regular bottle? What reason would anyone have to purchase it? I decided to put on my thinking cap and find out.  

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Move over Stanley Cup. I have a feeling that the Camelbak Podium Ti bottle is the next big social media trend… maybe… 

Let’s start with some key stats so we know what we’re working with:

• Capacity: 18 oz
• Weight: 236 grams
• Durable titanium body
• Double-wall construction - keeps drinks cold for 7 hours
• High-flow cap - No squeeze design
• Leakproof lockout
• Optimized to fit in most bike bottle cages
• BPA Free
• $100

Okay, neat. But again, why spend $100 on a water bottle?

Do you own eco-conscious reusable straws? Then you might be the target customer of this bottle. Do you hate how plastic bottles tinge your drinks with a chemical aftertaste? Then you might be the target customer of this bottle. Do you want a tough water bottle that won’t break easily? Then you might be the target customer of this bottle.

But if that’s the case, then why not buy a steel bottle? Camelbak also makes a Podium Steel VSS 1.0 water bottle and there are several good options from Bivo that are similar. These bottles are less than half the price because they use stainless steel instead of titanium. They even come in different colors!

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If you ask me, there is only one reason to choose a titanium bottle over a steel bottle: To own something immortal. 

In cycling, titanium is the king of metals. Titanium’s corrosion resistance and strength-to-density ratio are better than any metallic element. When people talk about “forever bikes,” they’re most often describing titanium bikes. Titanium frames are darn near indestructible. In essence, the Camelbak Podium Titanium 1.0 is a “forever bottle” — the last bottle you’ll ever need to buy. 

A 100% Serious and Factual Review of the Camelbak Podium Titanium 1.0...

Using a titanium "forever" bottle is a transcendent experience. Today, I held the Camelbak Podium Titanium 1.0 in my hand and marveled at its luxurious 240-gram weight. When I drank, the ice-cold water passing through the high-flow cap felt like being nourished by the essence of eternity. 

When I closed the leakproof lockout and set it back down on my desk, the double-walled titanium shell rang like the chime of an ancient grandfather clock. The BPA-free vibrations passed through my body and dispersed into the cosmos. With its raw titanium song came visions where I witnessed the story of my bottle's astounding immortal life…     

The Camelbak Podium Titanium 1.0 was first discovered by Australopithecus. It stood like a monolith in the desert, created and delivered by an unseen extraterrestrial species who were perhaps the earliest highly intelligent species to evolve in the Milky Way. This event would jumpstart our evolution. 

The Camelbak Podium Titanium 1.0 came to be revered by the ancient Egyptians, who were obsessed with immortality. In its honor, they engineered massive stone tombs that have stood for millennia and buried their kings and queens with the great immortal bottle.  

The Camelbak Podium Titanium 1.0 was rediscovered in modern times at a UFO crash site in Roswell, New Mexico. The US Army claimed it was a weather balloon and showed off some strange yet familiar-looking debris. Soon after, the US transformed into a military superpower. Coincidence?

The Camelbak Podium Titanium 1.0 was spotted last year at the 2023 Tour de France, where Jonas Vingegaard secured his second Yellow Jersey with a dominant win in the stage 16 time trial. The secret to his incredible speed and power is up for debate, but I have a good idea of what it might be. 

The Camelbak Podium Titanium 1.0 will follow humanity into space and the first colonies on Mars. In the year 2500, the atmosphere is breathable and the rugged titanium bottle has become an essential piece of gear for Martian explorers (along with vintage G-Wagons). 

Of course, that is nowhere near the end of the Camelbak Podium Titanium's story (see the first image of this post). 

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So why buy it? For only $100, you can own a water bottle that will truly stand the test of time.

Or, you know, just get a steel water bottle. It’s sustainable and durable, and much, much cheaper. But it probably won’t go to Mars in 500 years.  

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